The Asylum Reception Area

At a time like this, scorching irony, not convincing argument, is needed.
—Frederick Douglass

We here at The Corporate Asylum would like your first visit on our web site to be as enjoyable and revealing as possible.  It would be a travesty if you did not return because you had a false impression of what The Corporate Asylum is or is not.  It should be understood that The Corporate Asylum defies definition and any statement about what The Corporate Asylum is will, of course, be false.  To steal a line from The Matrix, “No one can tell you what The Corporate Asylum is, you have to experience it for yourself.”  As you consider this idea you might also want to consider a tour of some of the pages on The Corporate Asylum, but don’t. We don’t offer one. You will be better off listening to your Muse as you browse this site.

The Corporate Asylum would like you to receive a welcome from three of our most respected employees: The Editor and CEO, The Inmate; a middle manager; and a regular worker.

First, of course, from the desk of our CEO:

Great to have you aboard.  The future begins today and today begins right here.  I have always considered our readers the most important component of The Corporate Asylum.   How do you make a great web site?  A great team!  And we have one.  Hope to see you again soon.

Yours for a better World Wide Web,

The Inmate

And now management:

Most web sites offer a lot of frills, a lot of helps.  Not here.  We expect a great deal from our readers.  If you want to be successful don’t expect to read The Corporate Asylum only on weekdays while you’re hunched over your computer at work.  We sometimes expect you to read on the weekend and often require evenings or even nights when necessary.  We want ambitious readers, readers who want to be part of something great.  Greatness is not easy.  It takes blood, it takes sweat and it takes work, but we feel confident you can handle it.  Hey, you’ve made it this far.

And now a worker:

First of all, don’t listen to The Inmate.  He doesn’t come around here much and really has an inflated view of his writing abilities and his ability to critique corporate culture.  The company newsletter prints his picture with a string of sentences he’s supposed to have written.  I think the PR department writes it for him and the legal department edits it.  The reality is that he doesn’t even write the stuff for The Corporate Asylum, we do, while management frantically screams at us about deadlines.  That’s why they call us “workers.”  Contrary to management’s intimidation tactics you can come here whenever you want.  You can leave whenever you want.  If you get bored reading something–quit.  If you don’t agree with something–say so.  Read The Corporate Asylum because you want to, not because you have to.  This is just a web site, not utopia.

2 Comments

P.M.

Dear Inmate,

I read almost 80% of your essays today. I loved many of them. You have put into words many of the things I have felt toward my job but could never articulate. I read them on company time. This is wrong and I have no excuse for it. Maybe your should not write so well.

Six hours of work is just about right. I however just can’t gather the courage and put it up to my General Manager. Who knows maybe a stronger dose of corporateassylum’s products will induce a stronger me. Recently our office was hiring staff and there was no space to put them. A colleague of mine suggested half seriously ( she has corporateassylum based attitudes although she has never read the site) that we share a workplace and work for 6 hours each so that one workstation gets freed up for the new people.

Keep writing. Hope your web design / programming course gives you the chance to meet more interesting people and situations.

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withheld

Came across your website when I was still employed by Airborne Express earlier this year and decided to write as I was laid off by now DHL the end of last month after over 15 years of employment. I still keep in touch with people who will be getting laid off next week. Seems that DHL still has their heads buried in the sand (but what else is new??) and that it’s true…..they really don’t give a rip about customers that they’ve acquired during the merge and seems that they are still looking at business from the international side rather than both domestic AND international. Quite a few Airborne customers have went to the competition because they are pissed off and quite a few more will probably move their business to the competition due to the lack of concern/consideration that DHL has for them and their business. I’ve also heard that many Airborne employees, who chose to work for DHL and have moved, get down to their new place of employment and are then told that there is no work for them and they cannot be used and they are then left high and dry. There is supposed to be some sort of audit the end of this year/first part of next year and I’m sure that many employees will be laid off. I agree, I give it until next year and I’m sure that DHL will sell their domestic side of the business and go back to being an international only company and people who thought they would have jobs will go through what they I and many hundreds of other former (or soon to be former) Airborne employees have went through and that’s too bad. The only people who voted for this whole entire merger are probably either retired employees, employees who had large shares of stock or people who really didn’t give a damn. To all of those who voted for the merger, shame on you. Those of us who knew better/could see through the bull they were feeding us, or those of us who never had a chance to vote because we never received a ballot, voted no on the merger. Good luck to those that are still with DHL…..they need it! As for me, I just got back from a vacation down in California and look forward to working for anyone other than DHL….whee!

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