An Immodest Proposal

For preventing the people of the world,
from being a burden on their families and countries,
and for making them beneficial to the Great Reset.

It is difficult for anyone to walk along the world’s streets, past boarded up restaurants, bookshops and small businesses, after the last two years and not be concerned about the future before us. What COVID has done to all of us during this pandemic is nothing any of us could have imagined. This virus is an enemy far more powerful than anything the citizens of the world have ever faced.

The virus forced us into our homes and out of our schools. The virus forced us to wear masks and to social distance. The virus made us fearful and the virus divided us. The virus forced our public servants and company CEOs to make the difficult moral decisions that required lockdowns and mandates, a necessity to keep all of us safe from the menace of this overwhelming threat. They have been a shining light in the darkness and one can only imagine the chaos that would have ensued had we not had these brave, virtuous souls to watch over us and guide us through these perilous times.

But the virus has not left us. Its variants sweep across the world in dangerous waves month after month. Coupled with this is the continuing, older, but just as dangerous, threat of Climate Change. Our courageous leaders from around the world are formulating plans to help us in a war that must be fought on two fronts with every resource available.

I am not one to sit back while others fight my battles. It’s something I cannot do. As most of you have probably heard we will be facing a food crisis in the future. With gas prices soaring, supply chains breaking down and as we rid the world of more and more farms to protect our precious planet, there will, necessarily, be food shortages.

Like all of you, I am ready to make the sacrifices necessary, but I also want to approach this scientifically. We will need food, possibly more of it than can be produced. I am, of course, ready to die for mother earth, but if by using a resource that is sitting before us in broad daylight we can save ourselves, should we not use that resource and be grateful?

I have been reminded by one of our great news organizations, The New York Times(opens new window), that there is a viable alternative food source that we have been ignoring. I, therefore, do humbly offer to the public at large a source of food that is readily available to save your family and friends from starvation when the time comes. I offer to you the human right of cannibalism.

The virus is killing millions and millions of our fellow citizens. This is a food source that we are allowing to go to waste. I realize eating a family member might be distasteful, but it should be fairly easy, via the internet, to find others who have lost loved ones and simply trade bodies, with the family receiving the heavier of the two compensating the other family for the excess poundage, of course depending on the size and types of cuts of flesh available.  The government would determine a standard price per pound for each cut: upper leg, lower leg, liver, heart, rump and the various other cuts. This would stop price gouging, but also compensate a family, say, of a body builder.

Another thing to take into consideration are the numerous Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS) incidences. This is an additional resource that is going to waste. These deaths have increased substantially because of Climate Change and other factors that for the last few hundred years no one had ever realized were so dangerous (skipping breakfast; being an older, lonely woman; gardening; red meat; playing soccer; jogging; and even cold showers). It is surprising to me that the connection these activities have with death had for so long gone unnoticed. Thankfully science is always progressing.

As more and more of our children die, as repugnant as it may seem, they too should become part of this solution to save as many of us as possible. Unlike my distant relative who purported that young infants should simply be harvested (for lack of a better term), I propose the more civilized path of waiting until they die. However, he did have some good advice on recipes which will absolutely be important as this final solution is implemented across the globe:

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a  fricassee, or a ragout.

—Jonathan Swift, “A Modest Proposal(opens new window)

I would be remiss if I did not mention the unvaccinated. For the most part, the unvaccinated will be those who are dying. The compensation to their families will of necessity need to reflect their marginal, even detrimental, contribution to society during the pandemic, hence only the vaccinated will be afforded the privilege of cannibalism. The unvaccinated dead will be raffled off once a week in their respective counties, towns and neighborhoods to citizens who protected the rest of us by masking up and getting vaccinated against COVID.

The authorities expect more and more excess deaths because of COVID (or the next virus) and Climate Change. With some luck and good fortune those deaths may be able to compensate for the loss of traditional food over the coming months and years. The expectation is that if the reduction of the world population to the optimal 500 million can be achieved in the next 10 years, it is feasible that there will be no food shortage as long we use all the food that mother nature provides for us. This will require adequate storage spaces and preservation methods that may need to be altered to accommodate human meat, something, I have no doubt, our current leaders, with the help of our great scientists, will be able to achieve.

I do hereby solemnly swear that I have no financial interests in this solution. All my family members have passed away in the last year and I do not own stock in any companies that might possibly benefit from the worldwide implementation of cannibalism.

I also, upn me deth    , d o herby       dunatmy  booodd


A note from the paramedic: Upon finding Dr. Swift slumped over his keyboard, I noticed his computer was still on. He had been long dead so, once we moved his body, I took the liberty to read this, his last essay. It seemed to me to be of such grave importance, that I added this note and hit the “Send” button. It is my hope it will reach his intended audience. His solution is sound and believe me, I know.

Platter with dozens of people on it: Modern Problems, Require Modern Solutions.

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Modern Problems, Require Modern Solutions.


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