Ladies and Gentlemen please give a warm welcome to…..The Inmate!
Thank you, thank you. It’s great to be here in . Thanks for coming out for my first comedy special.
[more wild applause]
I’m not funny, I’m terrified of doing standup, I’m not even sure why I’m here but at this point I’m just too afraid to ask.
[from off stage a young man walks up to The Inmate and whispers in his ear, then leaves]
I guess I’m roasting Jim Gaffigan. Now that guy is funny. He’s fat too and I can say that because he says that about himself. Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk about food in his newest special, Dark Pale. Maybe if he’s trying to lose weight all that food talk is like food erotica. Nah, that’s not it. He’s almost sixty and it’s time to get edgy. Time to shake things up, time to become a part of the woke comedian club: those guys pushing the vaccines, climate change and singing songs for their masters like the useful idiots they are. It’s about time. I’m surprised it took this long for a guy who admits he eats Cinnabons®.
Gaffigan must be too lazy to do his own research. It’s more profitable to adopt a world view praised by his entertainment buddies. Don’t start thinking for yourself, Jimmy Boy, or you’ll end up playing rest homes in Indiana cracking jokes about walkers, enemas and diarrhea.Thinking for yourself, going against the narrative, now that would be edgy because it would jeopardize his career. I mean Gaffigan was on The View. The fucking View! It must feel good having four women stroke your——ego. And they’ll do it as long as you stay within the accepted parameters laid out by mainstream media pimps who are making sure those four free-thinking women don’t go off script, not that any of them have the intellectual capacity to do so.
I’m not sure why Gaffigan thought it would be a good idea to talk about the unvaccinated while relying solely on a narrative that is in the throes of death. Maybe someone talked to him:
[The Inmate imitates Gaffigan’s mob boss voice] “Ay, Jimmy. Me and the boyz we bin thinkin’ maybe it’d be a good idea for youz to start talkin’ ’bout the unvaxxed and the misinformation they bin spreadin’. We think it’s time for youz to start earnin’ your keep like our late night comedy boyz was doin’. Good, glad to hear that. We knew you was a stand-up guy…get it, Jimmy? Stand-up guy. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Welcome to the family, Jimmy Boy!”
But maybe no one talked to him. Regardless, commenting on things he clearly hasn’t thought about in depth makes him look stupid. Apparently he doesn’t care that he’s fat, so he probably doesn’t care that he’s stupid. I know, it’s harsh, isn’t it? But hey, I’m a comedian now and I can say what I want.
[voice from the audience] You’re not funny!
I know. What did I say at the beginning? Right up front? You should have walked out then, I would have. This heckler is obviously public school educated and having comprehension issues.
[heckler walks out]
If I had been at Gaffigan’s show, I would have walked out too. So here’s Gaffigan being funny and I’ll try to imitate him as best I can:
I’m sure you’re all vaccinated or gonna die. We all know some anti-vaxxers and some of us used to know an anti-vaxxer. Strange how that’s funny, right? Ha, ha, ha, they died. Ha, ha, ha.
You have to admit, that was a good Gaffigan imitation. But no, that wasn’t funny, but it is typical. People did laugh. Imagine if he’d said, ‘We all know some vaxxers and some of us used to know some vaxxers.’ Hosts on MSNBC would have instantaneously had heart attacks or at least been diagnosed with myocarditis or a turbo cancer and there would be no more ego stroking from those women on The View.
Gaffigan displays his ignorance with confidence and bravado. He’s a comedian, he makes a lot of money, he must be right, so it’s time to question your beliefs and your sanity if you don’t agree with the misinformation he’s spreading. A Rasmussen poll showed that 10% of people think they know someone in their household who died from the vaccine. 10%. 1 in 10. Don’t worry, in Gaffigan’s case that will never sink in.
I know several vaccinated people with adverse reactions and one person who died from the vaccine. All the unvaccinated people I know are still well above room temperature. Gaffigan apparently eats up the mainstream narrative like he would a freshly microwaved Hot Pocket. Admittedly, it is way easier to sit on the couch eating donuts and Cinnabons® getting fat while CNN does your thinking and research for you. Settle down everyone, I’m only affirming his own positive feelings about his pasty, white, plump body.
But it gets worse. Listen to this:
There was a shift in our empathy during the pandemic. I think it was those anti-vax preachers. Remember reading about them, you’re like: ‘Anti-vax preacher dies of Covid.’ Good. I can say that because I’m a Christian.
Good? Really? Good? Here Gaffigan shows us he’s a useful idiot. Look, I don’t celebrate the deaths of the vaxxed. Nor do I celebrate the deaths of those who preached hard that everyone should get vaccinated—at least not all of them. It is poetic justice for the latter, but it is, nonetheless, sad that so many people were taken in by the propaganda and rolled the dice with their lives and health not realizing the house always wins. If Gaffigan dies suddenly, I won’t celebrate. I won’t say, ‘Good.’ But since I’m a comedian now I might make a joke about it after the accepted amount of time for regular people, us nobodies, to mourn the deaths of famous people we’ve never, ever met.
But displaying your ignorance once is apparently not enough if you’re a newly woke comedian or at least exploring woke themes for the first time. So Gaffigan decides to tackle something easy, something everyone in his audience will agree with, something that the science has settled for everyone: Global Warming. Or is it Climate Change? I seem to remember the Greenhouse Effect. Just recently it was a Climate Crisis. The great thing about Climate Change is it can be applied to anything. Record cold temperatures: Climate Change. Record hot temperatures: Climate Change. Record rains: Climate Change. Diarrhea: Climate Change. Here’s Gaffigan in excellent mainstream narrative form:
I don’t know much about global warming, but I do know they stopped debating it.
I love this. First, an admission of ignorance and then a perfect display of it. It’s like a two-for-one Cinnabon® deal. If they’ve stopped debating it, whoever “they” are, then it’s propaganda, not science. If they’ve stopped debating it, you’re living in a totalitarian state. Hey fat boy, and I say that as affectionately as I possibly can since we are now celebrating obesity, they have not stopped debating it.
Not satisfied with two examples of his ignorance, Gaffigan presses on:
Something’s happening. In twenty years what are we gonna tell our children and grandchildren? Cause they’re gonna ask us, they’re gonna come to us and they’re gonna be like,
‘Did you know about global warming?’
And we’re gonna be like, ‘I mean, I heard about it. I mean, it was more of a rumor back then, really.’
‘Did you protest like that Greta lady?’
‘Well, heh, kinda…I mean, you know, there was a pandemic. We didn’t really do groups. I mean, I brought my own cup to Starbucks.’
There’s floods, there’s fires. There’s a pandemic. In Biblical times these would have been messages from God.
That is a good question: What are we gonna tell our children and grandchildren? Cause they’re gonna ask, they’re gonna come to us and they’re gonna be like,
‘Did you know global warming was a hoax?’
And we’re gonna be like, ‘I mean, yeah, I kind of knew it. I mean, I didn’t really think about it much with Netflix and all.’
‘Did you know that Greta lady was just spewing propaganda?’
‘Well, heh, kinda…I mean, you know, there was a pandemic. We didn’t really think about the climate much. I mean, my car was a hybrid.’
And what about those tougher questions?
“Grandpa, were you okay with the vaccine mandates?”
“Well, they weren’t really mandates…everyone had a choice…a job isn’t a necessity.”
“Did you wear a mask to the grocery store?”
“I mean, yeah, but everyone wore masks. I always took mine off before I exited the building. I was kind of a rebel back then.”
“Grandpa, did you support those big freedom protests in ’21 and ’22?”
“Well, I did hear something about some truckers…in Canada, I think, and I still have a trucker’s hat.”
“Grandpa, did you think the unvaccinated were irresponsible?”
“Well, they were kind of selfish, I mean the only reason I got vaccinated was to keep my job, to help keep the country running.”
“My other grandpa didn’t get vaccinated, didn’t wear a mask, didn’t believe in Global Warming and he didn’t watch T.V. He told me you’re a well-meaning, useful idiot.”
Thank you, everyone. You’ve been great! Have a great evening!
[more wild applause, most of the audience is standing, The Inmate walks off the stage]
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“I don’t know much about Global Warming…”
Then shut-up about it and tell us one of your stupid Cinnabon jokes.